My Conspiracy Theories
Read on if you want to know the truth...
I recognize that some of these ideas may seem a bit farfetched to those who are still drinking the Kool-aid (which, by the way, is actually a microchipped powder used to track its consumers’ gut bacteria levels for a top secret government surveillance program), but stay with me. I can assure you that once you read all the relevant literature, you will realize that nothing is as it seems, everything you thought you knew was wrong, and no one can be trusted. (Except for me.)
Here is what I know for sure:
The earth is a rhombus.
Crosswalk buttons aren’t connected to anything.
Sammy Davis, Jr. is still alive.
Stevie Wonder is really blind, but he lip-synchs his harmonica. (It’s not even a real harmonica. Slow his concert footage down, look closely, and you can sometimes see the remnants of a scratched-out PlaySkool logo.)
The toaster bagel button doesn’t do anything.
The CIA killed Christopher Plummer.
Gerald Ford had an affair with Dianne Wiest.
Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton control the pharmaceutical industry. Their latest project has been putting Tylenol in Ibuprofen and Ibuprofen in Tylenol. (For people in the know, it’s referred to as the “Grand Switcheroo.”)
All movie bloopers are scripted.
Watergate was an outside job, and it was organized by Gerard Depardieu.
Lizards are actually politicians in disguise.
All pilots fake their landings.
We live in a simulation and/or snow globe and/or Gary Busey’s nightmares.
Vaccines cause bad improv.
Bruce Springsteen was not born in the USA.
Bigfoot is real, but he shaves every day, so it’s impossible to recognize him.
Aliens first arrived on Earth in the late ‘70s. They remained undercover while comprising most of the cast of WKRP in Cincinnati. Upon the show’s cancellation, the aliens returned to their home planet. They briefly returned in the ‘90s to play several guest star roles on NewsRadio. After failing to make the transition to single-camera sitcoms, they haven’t been seen since.
Cockatiels are government drones. (Cockatoos are just birds.)
Santa doesn’t actually exist. (If I’m being totally honest, the evidence for this one is weak.)
That’s all for now. I’ll be sure to alert you, my loyal readers, as soon as I uncover the next terrifying secret that “they” don’t want you to know about.