How to Get Out of Jury Duty
A User's Manual to Shirking Your Civic Responsibility
Jury duty is one of the most awful things that can happen to a person. You become eligible when you register to vote, pay taxes, or have a driver’s license. So if you haven’t already done those things, I recommend that you don’t. It’s just not worth it. Jury duty is a huge waste of your time, and for what? Ultimately, it’s the state encouraging people to be busybodies, passing judgments on conflicts that have nothing to do with us. We’ve all got enough problems of our own, how can we be expected to solve strangers’ traffic disputes? Give me a break.
In the event that you do get called, you’ll need to be prepared. There is a process known as voir dire in which jurors are interviewed by the judge and attorneys to determine whether they can be fair and unbiased. This is your chance to get out!
Here are some suggestions of ways to indirectly convey that you’re a nutcase who should be nowhere near a jury:
“Can I be unbiased? Yes, definitely. By the way, is that ugly guy over there the plaintiff?”
“I’m not prejudiced in any way. I believe that everyone should be treated equally under the law. In fact, I feel that animals should even have the same rights as humans. Like, we shouldn’t keep dogs on leashes. And monkeys should be allowed to work in restaurants.”
“Just curious, which verdict will get us out of here quicker?”
“I’m always impartial. But sometimes people are so annoying, they make it impossible.”
“I heard this proverb the other day that really resonated with me: ‘You can always judge a man by the shoes he wears.’”
“I see my juror role as two-fold. First, I need to fully understand the law. Second, I need to decide if I agree with the law.”
“This case reminds me of something that my father did to me that I still haven’t forgiven.”
“This is unrelated, but I have a lot of rage in me and I’m always looking for opportunities to take it out on someone else.”
“Sometimes the evidence overwhelmingly points in one direction, but your Tarot cards tell you to go the other way. Know what I mean?”
“I’ll definitely weigh the evidence carefully and go with the verdict that I feel is in line with the law. Unless the other jurors disagree, then I’ll switch to their side. I like to fit in.”
“I’m very passionate about the American justice system. Better for a thousand innocent men to be imprisoned than one guilty man to go free, I always say.”
“In my experience, people usually did it.”
If after trying all of these statements, you still haven’t been dismissed, you must politely excuse yourself to use the restroom. Quickly change into a clown suit (which you should have on your person at all times) and upon emergence, start beating the other jurors with one of the big red shoes. This method is foolproof. Every single person who has used it has been dismissed instantly. Just know that you may end up back in a courtroom, but you will not be on the jury.