How to Be on Time
Gregory offers the secret to punctuality.
In the classic 1991 comedy, What About Bob?, Bill Murray’s titular character makes the following assertion:
There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond and those who don’t.
While the polarizing nature of “Cracklin’ Rosie” is undeniable, I would like to posit that the world can more accurately be broken down into two other groups of people: those who are usually on time and those who are usually late.
The on-timers spend a lot of time waiting, while the chronically late spend a lot of time making excuses. I’ve heard enough excuses to fill the Dead Sea Scrolls, so I’ll just dissect my least favorite: parking.
“It took forever to find parking!”
As someone who uses public transportation, I admittedly don’t have to deal with parking. But I do plan my time according to the bus schedule, so I can’t say I’m thrilled when I have to wait 20 minutes outside a restaurant while the person I’m meeting continuously circles the block. No open spaces within five feet of a Los Angeles diner at noon on a Sunday? Who would’ve expected such a shocking twist of events in the densest urban area in the nation? Let me put it another way: Unless we’re meeting for brunch in a Wyoming cow pasture, you should add a few extra minutes to find parking.
Now I understand that many of the tardy-afflicted are not consciously trying to be inconsiderate. In fact, I’ve known plenty of people who want to change, but they just haven’t figured out how.
“I’ve tried everything!” they bemoan. “I plan ahead, but I’m still always late!”
If you’re one of these people, bemoan no more, for I am about to blow your mind with my lateness solution. This concept is so simple, yet so brilliant, that frankly, I shouldn’t be giving it away for free. But that’s just the kind of guy I am: punctual and generous.
Here is the secret:
If you have to ask yourself if you have time to do something before you go to your next appointment, the answer is always no.
That’s it. Follow this rule religiously and you’ll never be late again.
Let’s try it out together with a common scenario: You have an 11:30am appointment on Thursday at a short-staffed veterinary clinic. It took weeks to get the appointment, and your ferret’s face rash has now spread to its groin. In other words, you can’t afford to miss this. It’s now 10:52 on Thursday morning and you’re ready to go. Google Maps says it’s a 17-min drive. You’re probably going to be early. As you put Montgomery into his ferret carrier, you realize he’s a bit smellier than usual. You don’t want to get scolded by the vet again for not practicing proper rodent hygiene. Maybe you can give the little bugger a quick bath before you go…but is there time?
Say it with me: No.