Holiday Gift Guide
Giving is a Beautiful Thing*
As we know, generosity only works if we follow a strict code of conduct. Therefore, I have prepared a very straightforward guide to ensure that things run smoothly this year:
Properly organize your Christmas list.
If you feel compelled to give me your Christmas list (like a child), please order it from cheapest to most expensive. And then you can just cut off everything after number one because you’re only getting one thing.
Don’t be an ironic gifter.
Giving me a Costco-size box of candy corn because we’ve both joked about how much we hate it is unacceptable. The “look on my face” when I discover that I will not be getting anything of value may be a gift to you, but it’s certainly not to me. I can’t see my own face, remember? And if I could, I would recognize the fury in my eyes that betrays the phony smile on my lips.
Don’t tell me the story of my gift.
I know, I know. A year ago, you heard me mention that I wanted to learn harmonica, so you made a mental note, and special ordered this one all the way from Düsseldorf. And it took four months to arrive, wow. What’s that? Oh, it’s a Hohner Chromonica Super 64, is it? It’s the same one that Stevie Wonder uses? Really? Well in that case, why don’t you give it to him, because I don’t want it anymore.
Not all gift cards are created equal.
“Now you can go out and get what you want!”
That might be true if this wasn’t for an artisan soap shop. What am I supposed to do with this? And it’s only $15? That won’t even cover one bar of soap from that place. That’s okay, I’ll just file this in my scrapbook, alongside the gifts cards you gave me to Blockbuster and RadioShack. (I followed your advice and waited to use them for something special.)
Cashiers, stop asking me if I want gift-wrapping.
These $379 Bose Ultra spatial audio noise-canceling headphones that I’m buying three days before Christmas are for me. The moment I walk out of this store, I’ll be cueing up the latest episode of Fresh Air with Terry Gross, and I won’t have you shaming me for a self-care purchase. If this continues, I will have no choice but to start accepting the unnecessary gift-wrapping to avoid further stigma, environment be damned.
Don’t give me anything made by your child.
No exceptions. Remember the cardinal rule: if you don’t have something nice to give, don’t give anything at all.