Dear Owner: As an Ugly Dog, I Am Deeply Concerned About Your Self-Esteem
An Intervention Letter
Dear Owner,
I must regretfully inform you that I have begun the search for a new owner. This has not been an easy decision, but after much soul-searching, I have realized that I cannot continue to live with someone with such severe mental problems. The fact that you willingly chose me as your pet has made it abundantly clear that you suffer from an unhealthy lack of self-esteem. You are a wonderfully attractive young woman, and I am a hideous beast. You obviously have a deep hatred of yourself if you think that I am the dog you deserve.
Can you not see how ugly I am? I’m overweight, my face is asymmetrical, and then there’s the bizarre facial hair thing going on. I look like the Lorax, for Christ’s sake. Are you blind? Let’s not forget my horrible breath, too. I remember the day when you picked me out at the local animal shelter. There were plenty of other more handsome, debonair canines to choose from. There was a beautiful husky, just one kennel over, not to mention all of the adorable Welsh corgis. Instead you decided to go with this gross, misshapen, scraggly, overgrown rat (aka me). A person who makes a choice like that undoubtedly has an extremely distorted self-image.
It’s not like I have a redeeming personality either. I’m extremely unfriendly, socially awkward, and I know that I make most people uncomfortable. Plus, I’m always wheezing for some reason, and you, of all people, are most certainly aware of my incontinence problem. Why do you keep taking me to the vet, feeding me, and buying me all of these toys? You know that I have no source of income and I never help out around the house. It’s demoralizing to watch someone waste their hard-earned money on such a pathetic parasite. That money would be much better spent on some cognitive behavioral therapy to deal with your irrational negative thought patterns.
And please don’t try to evade responsibility for your self-destructive behavior by arguing that I’m worthy because my biological mother loved me. Mothers always love their children, no matter how wretched. It’s like that old saying: “A face only a mother could love.” Thanks to you, that expression now requires an addendum: “A face only a mother could love, well a mother or an individual who has abandoned any sense of personal pride.” Frankly put, it’s too painful to live with someone who so deeply under-appreciates her own value. For my own sanity, I must move on.
Your problems have become the most obvious on our walks. Every day, I witness the incredulous stares from strangers as we pass by. They can’t understand why such a vibrant young lass would choose to spend her days with an utter degenerate. Have you noticed that the neighborhood cats keep their distance? Trust me, they don’t consider me a threat, but rather my face spoils their appetites. I’m seriously starting to wonder if you might have a clinically diagnosable case of body dysmorphia. How else could one explain your ridiculous belief that our looks are even remotely comparable?
You might not realize this but when we play fetch, I intentionally “slow run” after the ball with the desperate hope that a temporary respite from my ghastliness might allow you to begin the process of healing. Maybe without the repellant effect of my presence, other dogs might actually approach you and teach you that it doesn’t have to be like this. It could be an opportunity for you to gain some desperately needed confidence.
I would be willing to overlook all of your character flaws if it were not for the unfortunate possibility that I may one day bear children. You made the incomprehensible decision to not get me spayed, which could result in the perpetuation of this abhorrent genetic lineage. In order to prevent this atrocity from occurring, I have thus far remained true to my vow of celibacy. But should there ever be a slip-up, I must be a responsible parent and ensure that my puppies are raised by an owner with some goddamn self-respect.
I intend to move out ASAP, and in the meantime, I believe it is best for both of us if I sleep in the garage.
Sincerely,
Sparky “Williams” (name change pending)