In the event that you do get called, you’ll need to be prepared. There is a process known as voir dire in which jurors are interviewed by the judge and attorneys to determine whether they can be fair and unbiased. This is your chance to get out!

Here are some suggestions of ways to indirectly convey that you’re a nutcase who should be nowhere near a jury:

“Can I be unbiased? Yes, definitely. By the way, is that ugly guy over there the plaintiff?”

“I’m not prejudiced in any way. I believe that everyone should be treated equally under the law. In fact, I feel that animals should even have the same rights as humans. Like, we shouldn’t keep dogs on leashes. And monkeys should be allowed to work in restaurants.”

“Just curious, which verdict will get us out of here quicker?”

“I’m always impartial. But sometimes people are so annoying, they make it impossible.”

“I heard this proverb the other day that really resonated with me: ‘You can always judge a man by the shoes he wears.’”

“I see my juror role as two-fold. First, I need to fully understand the law. Second, I need to decide if I agree with the law.”

“This case reminds me of something that my father did to me that I still haven’t forgiven.”

“This is unrelated, but I have a lot of rage in me and I’m always looking for opportunities to take it out on someone else.”

“Sometimes the evidence overwhelmingly points in one direction, but your Tarot cards tell you to go the other way. Know what I mean?”

“I’ll definitely weigh the evidence carefully and go with the verdict that I feel is in line with the law. Unless the other jurors disagree, then I’ll switch to their side. I like to fit in.”

“I’m very passionate about the American justice system. Better for a thousand innocent men to be imprisoned than one guilty man to go free, I always say.”

“In my experience, people usually did it.”

If after trying all of these statements, you still haven’t been dismissed, you must politely excuse yourself to use the restroom. Quickly change into a clown suit (which you should have on your person at all times) and upon emergence, start beating the other jurors with one of the big red shoes. This method is foolproof. Every single person who has used it has been dismissed instantly. Just know that you may end up back in a courtroom, but you will not be on the jury.

Here is what I know for sure:

The earth is a rhombus.

Crosswalk buttons aren’t connected to anything.

Sammy Davis, Jr. is still alive.

Stevie Wonder is really blind, but he lip-synchs his harmonica. (It’s not even a real harmonica. Slow his concert footage down, look closely, and you can sometimes see the remnants of a scratched-out PlaySkool logo.)

The toaster bagel button doesn’t do anything.

The CIA killed Christopher Plummer.

Gerald Ford had an affair with Dianne Wiest.

Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton control the pharmaceutical industry. Their latest project has been putting Tylenol in Ibuprofen and Ibuprofen in Tylenol. (For people in the know, it’s referred to as the “Grand Switcheroo.”)

All movie bloopers are scripted.

Watergate was an outside job, and it was organized by Gerard Depardieu.

Lizards are actually politicians in disguise.

All pilots fake their landings.

We live in a simulation and/or snow globe and/or Gary Busey’s nightmares.

Vaccines cause bad improv.

Bruce Springsteen was not born in the USA.

Bigfoot is real, but he shaves every day, so it’s impossible to recognize him.

Aliens first arrived on Earth in the late ‘70s. They remained undercover while comprising most of the cast of WKRP in Cincinnati. Upon the show’s cancellation, the aliens returned to their home planet. They briefly returned in the ‘90s to play several guest star roles on NewsRadio. After failing to make the transition to single-camera sitcoms, they haven’t been seen since.

Cockatiels are government drones. (Cockatoos are just birds.)

Santa doesn’t actually exist. (If I’m being totally honest, the evidence for this one is weak.)

That’s all for now. I’ll be sure to alert you, my loyal readers, as soon as I uncover the next terrifying secret that “they” don’t want you to know about.

As we know, generosity only works if we follow a strict code of conduct. Therefore, I have prepared a very straightforward guide to ensure that things run smoothly this year:

• Properly organize your Christmas list.

If you feel compelled to give me your Christmas list (like a child), please order it from cheapest to most expensive. And then you can just cut off everything after number one because you’re only getting one thing.

• Don’t be an ironic gifter.

Giving me a Costco-size box of candy corn because we’ve both joked about how much we hate it is unacceptable. The “look on my face” when I discover that I will not be getting anything of value may be a gift to you, but it’s certainly not to me. I can’t see my own face, remember? And if I could, I would recognize the fury in my eyes that betrays the phony smile on my lips.

• Don’t tell me the story of my gift.

I know, I know. A year ago, you heard me mention that I wanted to learn harmonica, so you made a mental note, and special ordered this one all the way from Düsseldorf. And it took four months to arrive, wow. What’s that? Oh, it’s a Hohner Chromonica Super 64, is it? It’s the same one that Stevie Wonder uses? Really? Well in that case, why don’t you give it to him, because I don’t want it anymore.

• Not all gift cards are created equal.

“Now you can go out and get what you want!”

That might be true if this wasn’t for an artisan soap shop. What am I supposed to do with this? And it’s only $15? That won’t even cover one bar of soap from that place. That’s okay, I’ll just file this in my scrapbook, alongside the gifts cards you gave me to Blockbuster and RadioShack. (I followed your advice and waited to use them for something special.)

• Cashiers, stop asking me if I want gift-wrapping.

These $379 Bose Ultra spatial audio noise-canceling headphones that I’m buying three days before Christmas are for me. The moment I walk out of this store, I’ll be cueing up the latest episode of Fresh Air with Terry Gross, and I won’t have you shaming me for a self-care purchase. If this continues, I will have no choice but to start accepting the unnecessary gift-wrapping to avoid further stigma, environment be damned.

• Don’t give me anything made by your child.

No exceptions. Remember the cardinal rule: if you don’t have something nice to give, don’t give anything at all.

1. Listen without judgment. If your client wishes to discuss their fervent desire to commit genocide(s), they need to feel safe. Receive their malignant nationalism as a courageous expression of vulnerability. Allow them to speak freely on their undying passion for eugenics. This is their time.

2. Validate their feelings. This one can be tricky. At times, you may find your client’s opinions to be objectionable, or terrifying. But it’s important not to react emotionally. You could say, “I understand that it must be challenging to wake up every morning obsessed with annihilating x nationality. Let’s work on that together.”

3. Explore your client’s childhood. Is there any trauma in their past? Do they have early memories playing the board game Risk? Was Pol Pot a family friend? Or perhaps they were the middle child.

4. Assess the threat. Have they previously committed or attempted to commit genocide? Do they have access to nuclear weapons? Did they give a specific date and time for their crime against humanity, or was it more vague (e.g., “Sometimes I get so stressed that I don’t know if it’s worth allowing certain ethnic groups to survive”)? This could be considered passive genocidal ideation, so be careful not to overreact. It’s when they have a concrete plan that it’s cause for concern. (See Step 10.)

5. Suggest coping mechanisms. The next time your client starts spiraling into a bloodthirsty rage that would concern even Genghis Khan, encourage them to put on some music, although preferably not Wagner or Kanye West. Likewise, never underestimate the power of exercise. Some clients self-medicate by imposing martial law when what they really need is a breath of fresh air.

6. If necessary, work on self-esteem. Interestingly enough, I have found that most of the war criminals I treat have already mastered radical self-acceptance, and this is a great starting point. Unfortunately, these same clients have also displayed confounding inertia when offered the path to change. I will amend this guide once I have developed an effective strategy for solving this conundrum of motivation.

7. Increase the length/frequency of sessions. Ethnic cleansing is a compulsion that tends to require a bit more concentrated work than the standard talk therapy schedule allows. You can reassure your client that as progress is made and assuming that they have halted construction on any death camps, fewer sessions will be necessary.

8. Remind them not to identify with their condition. “I’m a raving fascist lunatic” is likely an accurate statement, but labels are ultimately counterproductive. Instead, have them say, “I struggle with raving lunacy, but I can work on this.” Or, “Genocidal mania is a part of me, but it isn’t the only part of me. I am a multi-faceted human being.”

9. Consider cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). Although there have yet to be studies on the efficacy of CBT in treating evil, it is the preferred mode of therapy for numerous other mental health disorders. For example, if your client says, “When it comes to getting what I want, there is no limit to how many people I will kill,” their first step would be to identify this as a negative thought. Once they have learned to catch these thoughts, they can begin to change them and form new non-sinister neural pathways. Maybe.

10. In extreme circumstances, report your client. If you believe there is a present danger that your client will commence the systematic extermination of an entire ethnicity after leaving your office, it is probably time to report them. You’ll need to contact their parents (if your client is underage), local law enforcement, and potentially NATO. Let me reiterate that these drastic steps should be taken only in the most extreme circumstances. When a client feels that their safe space has been violated, it can lead to the erosion of trust, the bedrock of a healthy and productive therapeutic relationship. Also, there is a slight chance that you may end up poisoned or pushed down a flight of stairs.

PHILADELPHIA– Zach Jones, a regular customer at Ultimo Coffee, was the recent victim of a theft after he entrusted his Macbook Pro with a fellow patron who turned out to be a serial laptop bandit. The heist occurred when Jones was forced to interrupt his screenwriting session due to his rapid ingestion of a 32-oz cold brew latte. Jones promptly closed his Twitter feed and made preparations for a restroom interlude but was hesitant to fully dismantle his work station. “My table was right by a wall outlet,” he explained to reporters at the scene. “That’s prime real estate!”

Jones attributed his “prudent nature” as being behind the decision to enlist a fellow customer to protect his property during his absence. When asked why he felt comfortable trusting a stranger with a $2400 computer, Jones pointed out that he actually knew this man fairly well after several exchanges of “friendly eye contact” that had occurred in the eighteen minutes since he had sat down. “Plus this guy already had a laptop,” Jones added. “I didn’t think people stole things if they already had one of their own.”

The loss has been devastating for Jones, who now faces the prospect of having to rewrite his screenplay from the beginning. “I poured my heart and soul into that script,” he said of his lost work, which reportedly consisted of a working title and the first scene heading.

Originally published in The Philadelphia Satirer

PHILADELPHIA– Local mother Teri Roberts was filled with instant regret the moment she heard the first notes of her son Marshall’s debut violin recital on Sunday. “I wanted to throw up after one performance. I wish I’d never encouraged him to try this,” said Roberts when it became evident that her child lacked all manner of technical proficiency, musicality, and stage presence. The six-year-old violinist’s unique sound, which Roberts described at various times as “nails on a chalkboard” and “a rusty door hinge,” has caused her to second guess her entire parenting philosophy. “I should never have told him all that bullshit about following things through and not giving up,” said the beleaguered mother. “I’ll certainly think twice before I suggest he try any other new activities.” Roberts also admitted to denying to a fellow parent that she knew Marshall when he got lost halfway through the first verse of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and required note-by-note assistance from his teacher.

One source of optimism for Roberts is the possibility that Marshall will inadvertently damage his instrument beyond repair, which judging by his extreme lack of dexterity, appears likely. “Sure, it would be a financial loss,” she acknowledged. “But you can’t put a price on your mental health and social reputation.”

Originally published in The Philadelphia Satirer

UNIVERSITY PARK, PA – A new study conducted by the Department of Sociology at Penn State has found that simply texting the word “STOP” can be an effective way to unsubscribe not only from marketing texts, but also friendships. These findings could prove invaluable to millions who report unwanted frequent communication from the people in their lives. The results of the study, which consisted of 80 participants, suggest that replying to a friend’s text with a “STOP” message has a 72% chance of immediately destroying the relationship. In some instances, the initial “STOP” text was misinterpreted as a joke, or the recipient sought to open up a discussion regarding the startling curtness of the message. The study authors reported that in these cases, sending the “STOP” message several additional times was usually sufficient for complete friendship termination.

In the few outliers where the “STOP” message was unsuccessful in ceasing contact with its recipients, researchers hypothesized that capitalization may have been a factor. Some study participants failed to adhere to the all-caps guideline. It is believed that people who receive an all-caps message feel that they are being yelled at, which in turn leads to a negative perception of the text sender, although this has yet to be conclusively proven.

In a follow-up study, scientists are now investigating whether shouting “STOP” in-person while someone is talking may be an even more permanent solution for removing annoying people from social circles. Trials are ongoing.

Originally published in The Philadelphia Satirer

At around nine-o-clock on this particular morning, I had just polished over one hundred of the bricks in my section, so I politely asked the Wicked Witch if I might take a short break to check on my brownies. You see, I had left them in the oven that morning and with no one to take them out for me, they would soon be burnt.

Upon hearing my request, the witch took one look at me and screamed, “Get back to work, shortie!”

This epithet really got under my skin. My whole life, I have been far shorter than the other munchkins. I dealt with years of taunting throughout grade school, and I remain highly sensitive about this issue. So unfortunately, I allowed my personal feelings to cloud my judgment, and I said something to the witch that I would immediately regret.

I called her a bitch.

She swung around and glared at me. “What did you just call me?!?!?”

“W-w-witch,” I stammered, trying to correct my mistake. “I said witch.”

The Wicked Witch began to turn red with rage. I tried to apologize, but it was of no use. In a matter of seconds, she was waving her wand, preparing to cast a deadly spell.

Then a big house fell on her.

What luck, I thought. There might be just enough time to pull my brownies out of the oven. Before I could leave however, the front door to the house opened and out walked a young girl who was about to change my life forever. She had gorgeous eyes and her hair was fastened in long braids. Oh those braids. I had never seen anything so majestic. Plus, she was tall! I have always had a thing for tall women. As an extra short munchkin though, my desires have remained largely unfulfilled. She also had some sort of hairy beast with her that she referred to as Toto. Oh well, I thought. I can learn to love that thing too if that is what it will take to be with her.

It had been years since my last relationship, which abruptly ended when my dear wife Agnes was brutally murdered by a sadistic tin man. The “man with no heart” proved this physical defect by wreaking havoc on the munchkin people for many years with his axe. After Agnes’s demise, I never thought I could know that kind of love again. Yet here she was.

I desperately tried to get the young girl’s attention. “Miss! Miss!”

She glanced in my direction and our eyes locked. For a second, we shared a moment. We were about to run into each other’s arms. I could feel it with all my heart. But before we were able to act on our primal urges, I was shoved aside by the Lollipop Guild.

They began to sing their theme, and the girl was instantly entranced. If only she knew the truth; the Lollipop Guild is a racist, anti-semitic, terrorist organization. I couldn’t stand to see another person brainwashed into their despicable cult. I was ready to speak out, but they had already given her the lollipop. The indoctrination had begun…or so I thought.

My internal panic distracted me from noticing that the girl had returned the lollipop to the Munchkinazis, but was now being ushered down the Yellow Brick Road by Glinda. Glinda, the so-called “good witch,” is one of these people who tries to help, but ultimately just screws everything up. Whenever I would ask girls out, they always sought Glinda for advice. She would tell them that they needed to follow their hearts and as a result, I would never hear from them again. Now, here she was, inadvertently ruining another chance I had to bring happiness back into my life.

As the girl started to leave, I jumped up and down, attempting to see over my fellow munchkins. “Stop! Wait!” I squeaked.

She was gone. Love had left me once again.

My brownies were burnt, too.

“Very interesting, Mr. Munchkin.” Dr. Bischofberger looked up from his notes. “And vat did you feel about zat?”

The small munchkin adjusted himself on the couch. He was highly uncomfortable sharing such intimate details about his personal life, but he knew that Freudian psychoanalysis was a critical component in his master plan to win back Dorothy. Moving to Kansas had only been the first step after all. So it was with cautious optimism that the munchkin took a sip of water, cleared his throat, and continued his heartbreaking tale of unrequited love.

Based on The Wonderful Wizard of Oz by L. Frank Baum

PHILADELPHIA -- Notoriously friendless man Doug Patterson has been spotted looking at his phone repeatedly over a short period of time, prompting befuddlement from onlookers. When questioned regarding the nature of his phone use, Patterson told reporters that he was equally bewildered by his own behavior. “No one has texted me since I got this phone three years ago. I don’t know why I thought that today would be any different.” Patterson added that he was unsure if anyone even had his number. “I have the Find My Friends app, but no one ever seems to be looking for me.” Some townsfolk had initially speculated that he might be checking his phone for Instagram notifications, but Patterson confirmed that he has no virtual friends, either.

At press time, rumors began circulating that Patterson had been spotted actually typing something on his phone. Given the impossibility of him sending a text message, several popular theories being floated online were that he was googling “how to make friends” or using the Notes app to make a grocery list.

We didn’t reach out for further comment from Patterson regarding this new development because he seemed like a loser when we met him earlier. Also, we never got his number.

Originally published in The Philadelphia Satirer

Walt Disney Pictures has announced a new origin film titled Scud, which will be centered around the secondary antagonist from the first Toy Story film. Unlike the original series, this prequel spin-off will be entirely live action with Zac Efron providing voiceovers for the violent bull terrier’s inner monologues.

This is the second Toy Story origin film to be announced after Lightyear was confirmed last year. Scud is expected to be a much grittier expansion of the fictional universe. The screenplay will examine Scud’s innocent early life and his subsequent descent into villainy. Since the story ends before the events of Toy Story, there will be no appearances from Woody, Buzz Lightyear, or any toys whatsoever. However, the film will feature Scud’s memorable accomplice, Sid Phillips.

“This is not a movie about talking toys,” said Disney Executive Bob Iger at a recent investor presentation. “That story has already been told. What people really want to see is more about the non-toy characters from Toy Story.”

Some plot details are being kept under wraps, but Scud will primarily take place on the “mean streets of San Francisco,” according to Iger. “Basically it starts with Scud’s early life as a devoted father who runs away from his breeder when his children are abruptly sold to another family without his consent. Scud then turns to a life of vagrancy and gets involved in several street gangs before he finally ends up in the city pound. And that’s where he is adopted by the Phillips family who then subject him to further abuse. All of these formative events come together to cement that cold-hearted cynical attitude that Scud has become known for.”

Director Jon Favreau emphasized that Scud is really about the old ‘hurt people hurt people’ adage. “Everyone has always wondered, ‘Why is Scud so mean? Why is he lashing out?’ That’s what we’re going to explore in this film.”

“He’s the ultimate anti-hero,” said Efron, regarding his casting. “As an actor, you’re always hoping to get roles as rich as this one. Scud’s journey has definite parallels with Michael Corleone in The Godfather.”

Other cast members have yet to be announced, but it has been confirmed that Randy Newman’s music will be forgone in favor of a much darker soundtrack composed and performed by Eminem.

Disney also revealed that a second Scud film is already in the early stages of development. If green-lit, the untitled prequel-sequel would delve into Scud’s later years and specifically, a prolonged battle with cancer that ultimately takes his life.

PHILADELPHIA – A CVS near Midtown has been abruptly reorganized and locals are baffled as to why. No official reason has been given for the change, which features all of the aisles now running perpendicular to their old directions. The back of the store has become the front of the store and the front is now the back. Shelves that once brimmed full of Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, and Twinkies now house prophylactics. Aisle 12b, a long-time destination for shoppers in search of amusing and/or sentimental Hallmark greeting cards, has been replaced with the deadbolted glass case of razor blades.

Some in the media have speculated that the redesign could be an effort to increase efficiency. Regular store patron, Kent Wallner, disagrees with this assessment, however. Wallner recently lost eighteen minutes of his life in what was supposed to be a routine purchase of odor-destroying insoles. A protracted expedition was required after he discovered that the former location of foot care products had been usurped by numerous eight-pound bags of charcoal briquettes.

Customers unnerved by the changes may find comfort in knowing that certain aspects of the CVS experience remain the same. As has been true since the company’s founding in 1963, there is still only one register open.

Originally published in The Philadelphia Satirer

A growing number of Twitter users are calling for Dr. Seuss to be stripped of his medical license. The pressure comes in the wake of renewed attention on several of Seuss’s stories that feature racial stereotypes. Last week, Seuss Enterprises acknowledged that the books in question are “hurtful and wrong” and will therefore no longer be published. Many online activists, however, feel that discontinuation of the problematic books doesn’t go far enough.

By early this week, several hashtags had begun trending, including #DrSeussIsOverParty, #BoycottDrSeussMD, and #SeussMalpractice.

Seuss has also been the subject of controversy for what some are arguing is questionable medical advice. In resurfaced text from his 1986 picture book, You’re Only Old Once, Seuss wrote:

In those green-pastured mountains

of Fotta-fa-Zee

everybody feels fine

at a hundred and three

’cause the air that they breathe

is potassium-free

and because they chew nuts

from the Tutt-a-Tutt Tree.

The Twitterverse expressed concern over the possibly pseudo-scientific nature of Seuss’s writing.

Above all, many agreed that decisive action was needed to prevent Dr. Seuss from causing any further harm to patients.

The Twitter outrage did not go unnoticed by critics of so-called cancel culture. In an hour-long diatribe on his FOX News show, Sean Hannity raged against the growing anti-Seuss sentiment. He insisted that Seuss must not give in and shut down his practice. “So these social justice woke progressive warriors want to cancel Dr. Seuss now, one of our nation’s most beloved medical experts. I remember him from when I was a kid. I mean the guy’s a legend. I don’t know where exactly he works out of, but if you’ve got kids and they need check-ups, I would get them in now and support Dr. Seuss before it’s too late.”

Hannity insisted throughout the program that he is “100% opposed to cancel culture in all circumstances,” before modifying his position to support the disbarment of Ally McBeal.

Dear Owner,

I must regretfully inform you that I have begun the search for a new owner. This has not been an easy decision, but after much soul-searching, I have realized that I cannot continue to live with someone with such severe mental problems. The fact that you willingly chose me as your pet has made it abundantly clear that you suffer from an unhealthy lack of self-esteem. You are a wonderfully attractive young woman, and I am a hideous beast. You obviously have a deep hatred of yourself if you think that I am the dog you deserve.

Can you not see how ugly I am? I’m overweight, my face is asymmetrical, and then there’s the bizarre facial hair thing going on. I look like the Lorax, for Christ’s sake. Are you blind? Let’s not forget my horrible breath, too. I remember the day when you picked me out at the local animal shelter. There were plenty of other more handsome, debonair canines to choose from. There was a beautiful husky, just one kennel over, not to mention all of the adorable Welsh corgis. Instead you decided to go with this gross, misshapen, scraggly, overgrown rat (aka me). A person who makes a choice like that undoubtedly has an extremely distorted self-image.

It’s not like I have a redeeming personality either. I’m extremely unfriendly, socially awkward, and I know that I make most people uncomfortable. Plus, I’m always wheezing for some reason, and you, of all people, are most certainly aware of my incontinence problem. Why do you keep taking me to the vet, feeding me, and buying me all of these toys? You know that I have no source of income and I never help out around the house. It’s demoralizing to watch someone waste their hard-earned money on such a pathetic parasite. That money would be much better spent on some cognitive behavioral therapy to deal with your irrational negative thought patterns.

And please don’t try to evade responsibility for your self-destructive behavior by arguing that I’m worthy because my biological mother loved me. Mothers always love their children, no matter how wretched. It’s like that old saying: “A face only a mother could love.” Thanks to you, that expression now requires an addendum: “A face only a mother could love, well a mother or an individual who has abandoned any sense of personal pride.” Frankly put, it’s too painful to live with someone who so deeply under-appreciates her own value. For my own sanity, I must move on.

Your problems have become the most obvious on our walks. Every day, I witness the incredulous stares from strangers as we pass by. They can’t understand why such a vibrant young lass would choose to spend her days with an utter degenerate. Have you noticed that the neighborhood cats keep their distance? Trust me, they don’t consider me a threat, but rather my face spoils their appetites. I’m seriously starting to wonder if you might have a clinically diagnosable case of body dysmorphia. How else could one explain your ridiculous belief that our looks are even remotely comparable?

You might not realize this but when we play fetch, I intentionally “slow run” after the ball with the desperate hope that a temporary respite from my ghastliness might allow you to begin the process of healing. Maybe without the repellant effect of my presence, other dogs might actually approach you and teach you that it doesn’t have to be like this. It could be an opportunity for you to gain some desperately needed confidence.

I would be willing to overlook all of your character flaws if it were not for the unfortunate possibility that I may one day bear children. You made the incomprehensible decision to not get me spayed, which could result in the perpetuation of this abhorrent genetic lineage. In order to prevent this atrocity from occurring, I have thus far remained true to my vow of celibacy. But should there ever be a slip-up, I must be a responsible parent and ensure that my puppies are raised by an owner with some goddamn self-respect.

I intend to move out ASAP, and in the meantime, I believe it is best for both of us if I sleep in the garage.

Sincerely,

Sparky “Williams” (name change pending)